


the difference between what this is and what it was

by your_bespoke_psychopath



Series: wanting not to want you doesn't make it so [2]
Category: How to Get Away with Murder
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-02
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-23 20:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2555291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_bespoke_psychopath/pseuds/your_bespoke_psychopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You should stay away from him, you know that. Keep your distance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the difference between what this is and what it was

**#1.**

When you were accepted into the law school, you promised yourself one thing: you will always listen to your conscience and do what you can to help those who need it. You never wanted to take part in large and _glamourous_ cases, you simply wanted to help these who don’t have the advantage of money or a well-known and influential family. As corny as it sounds – going to a law school to help the less fortunate – it is the truth. You’ve always deeply believed in that: standing up for what is right, defending the innocent ones, making sure that the bad guys will get what they deserve. Isn’t is what the lawyers are supposed to do?

As it turns out, the answer is _no_.

You have no idea why you thought it’d be a good idea to share your discovery with Frank. Since the beginning you’ve found him slightly intimidating: tall, powerfully built and oozing strength and power. You’re not quite sure what he does for Annalise – no one really knows it. But he seemed like a person who would listen to you and calm your worries or reassure you that the matter will be taken care of.

How damn naive of you.

Instead of helping you, he tore you apart. Or at least he tried to. Every word that he said, hit you hard but you refused to let them affect you. You held your head high and felt your heart feeling with quiet rage. How dared he? He knew nothing about you and yet he spoke like he’s already figured you out.

What an asshole.

When you left Keating’s office that evening, there was one thing you knew for sure: you don’t want to talk with that man ever again.

 

**#2.**

_‘Why are any of you here? That’s the question I’m still asking myself.’_

Bonnie’s remark hits you hard. Maybe it’s not her question per se, but the way she says it and how at the end of it she looks at you. It’s a look of barely contained pity that shines through ‘ _I am so done with_ _everything_ ’ look that Bonnie gives everyone. Maybe you are oversensitive, but you just can’t stop thinking about it. You know why your colleagues are here: Michaela and Connor are both smart and almost custom tailored for the job. Asher’s father is an important figure in the courtroom world, so it’s rather obvious why professor Keating wanted him on her team. Wes may be a bit of a surprise, but he is quick on his feet and it seems that your boss really likes him.

But _you_ aren’t here because you made an impression on Annalise Keating. Oh no. You are here, because you made an impression on Frank. He was the one who picked you. You have no idea why he did that and you are not sure if you want to find out.

(He may want to sleep with you, but it’d have made more sense if he suggested that before the results were announced. You wouldn’t have done that, obviously, and you are not going to do it now, as a _‘thank you’_ gesture. You know you should just let it go, but the thought is there in the back of your mind. A quiet voice asking the same question over and over again: _why?)_

If there’s anything you _know_ is that you’re going to do everything you can to get rid of the _‘Frank’s girl’_ label.

 

**#3.**

The teachers have always liked you. You were quiet, always prepared for the classes, you never caused any trouble. You were a student that could’ve been relied upon, the responsible and sensible one, the one whom you could have asked all the difficult questions in front of the headmaster. And while you’ve been appreciated by teachers, your fellow students have never really liked you. They talked with you, sure, but there was the air of hostility in these conversations. You heard them calling you ‘ _teacher’s pet_ ’ behind your back, but you didn’t care that much. Okay, fine – you cared about that and these words hurt you, but at least you knew that you’ve earned teachers’ respect with your hard work and dedication.

But now...

Sometimes you really can’t stand it: the knowledge that you are on the team just because of Frank. You wanted to work for Keating because you are good, not because someone took fancy to you. No matter how much you try, you can’t forget about it: you wouldn’t be here, hadn’t it been for Frank. This thought leaves a bitter taste in your mouth whenever it crosses your mind. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. You probably should feel lucky: you have a job a few people would kill for and you could become quite successful in a short time - and all of that thanks to Frank. But you don't want any of that. You want to earn your success, not have it handed to you.

You do everything you can to prove that you’re worth the job: you work your ass off, you stay after hours, you take long and detailed notes during every trial, you sort through numerous files and help Bonnie with the paperwork. You do everything you can to prove that Frank might’ve chosen you, but you should’ve been chosen even without his recommendation.

You don’t want to be his protégé.

You don’t want to be his anything.

 

**#4.**

You catch him looking at you sometimes. Brief sideways looks. Long, lingering glances. You feel every single one of them. They burn your skin and you feel like they’re leaving permanent marks on your body.

Every single time you feel his eyes on you, you can feel a wave of heat flooding your body. Blood pounds in your ears and you can feel the unwanted warmth crawling up your neck.

It’s humiliation you’re feeling, you tell yourself. You just feel embarrassed and objectified, hence the blush colouring your cheeks.

That’s the only reason.

Right?

 

**#5.**

_‘I have a boyfriend.’_

You almost don’t recognise your own voice when you say these words: it’s breathless and slightly uneven like you just ran a marathon.

Or kissed Frank.

You swallow hard and walk faster, leaving professor Keating’s house behind you. The night is pleasantly cool and the air soothes your overheated skin. You can feel beard-burns on your cheeks and they serve as a reminder of what happened just a few minutes ago. You kissed Frank.

No, you think and shake your head. You didn’t kiss him. It was _him_ who kissed you. You were caught by surprise and that’s the only reason why you kissed him back. You did not enjoy the kiss itself. You couldn’t have.

(And yet you still feel his body against yours and you can still smell his cologne on your clothes. You can still can taste the desperation of this kiss and how it felt like he was trying to devour you, crawl inside you and stay there forever. And you can’t forget how much it thrilled and excited and how much you wanted it to last and-).

No. You have _a boyfriend_. A boyfriend who is not an asshole. A boyfriend who cares about you. A boyfriend who is nice and smart, who’s sweet, who buys you daffodils and who makes you laugh. A boyfriend whom you don’t love, not yet anyway, but who knows, maybe one day you will. You could love him. If anything, you could love him just because he’s not Frank.

So you go and find your boyfriend and fuck him on the desk.

And if it’s not him, but some other man you’re thinking about when you come, well, no one will ever know about it.

 

**#6.**

You should stay away from him, you know that. Keep your distance. Keep it professional and do your best to forget about that damn kiss. It’d be a smart thing to do. It’d be the right thing to do.

And yet, you find yourself looking in his direction more often than usually. You find yourself standing closer and closer to him. It’s like you’re unable not to take another step in his direction. It feels like something is pushing you there, towards him. Or maybe it’s him pulling you in? You have no idea. All you know is that whenever you’re next to him, you feel a jolt of electricity running through your body, humming in its every cell, setting your every nerve on fire. And you know that he feels it too. The way he looks at you, the way he leans into you, the way his eyes always dart to your mouth... It makes you feel dizzy and powerful. And it also makes you wonder – what could if you took another step towards him? What if you leaned a little closer or let him do it, what if-

It’s a dangerous game that you’re playing, you know that. And you know that you have to stop it – that you _will_ stop it. Stopping it is what you should do.

Stopping it right here and now is the smart and sensible thing. 

(If you’re to be honest, you are getting _really_ tired of smart and sensible. Especially around him.)

 

**#7.**

_‘I didn’t want to say it, but I’m not into you.’_

You hear these words spoken and you marvel on how true they sound. Your voice doesn’t break: every word is loud and clear and they ring like crystals in the silence of the room.

But it’s the truth, isn’t it? You’re not into Frank. You never have been and you never will be. It needed to be said out loud. According to Bonnie, you just did him a massive favour. She’s right: he doesn’t stand a chance with you. There are many reasons for that: you work together, he is – in a way – your superior and work relationships never end well, you have a boyfriend, Frank is older and probably has a list of conquests longer than Route 66. You have your future career to think about: if anyone found out that you had an affair with your supervisor, you’d never be taken seriously. But none of these really matters since what you just said is true: you are really not into him. It’s a high time he accepted that.

And your mission is accomplished. Frank leaves, believing every single word that you said. The thing – whatever it was – between you is over now. You’re no longer _Frank’s girl_. This is exactly what you wanted, isn’t it? Except... The look on his face when he heard your words: the flash of pain and defeat that he tried to mask with a look of cold indifference. For the briefest of seconds you want to go after him, stop him from leaving and explain- Explain what exactly? That it was just a lie? That it’s not true? That you-

No.

You said exactly what you were supposed to say.

But suddenly you are not that sure it was what you _wanted_ to say.

 

**Author's Note:**

> story title from 'the thrilling of Claire' by The National.


End file.
